Should I forgive when they’re not really sorry?

In Jesus’ day, the rabbis tried to quantify righteousness: ‘Forgive three times,’ they said — ‘after that they don’t deserve it.’

We no longer count sins the way the rabbis did — but we still keep score.

We measure sincerity. We analyse tone. We watch for signs of remorse.

We do the same maths, just with a different currency: with emotions instead of numbers.

So we struggle today with Peter’s question, but in this way: If someone clearly doesn’t feel sorry, doesn’t act sorry, perhaps doesn’t even say sorry — are we really supposed to forgive them?

Today, “feelings” justify almost anything:
“I didn’t feel angry, so I must have been gentle.”
“I didn’t mean any harm, so it can’t have been wrong.”

And in this parable, Jesus blows up statements like these with a warning and a promise:

1) If you live by accounts, you’ll die by accounts
2) Jesus has cancelled your accounts

So first, Jesus’ warning:

1) If you live by accounts, you’ll die by accounts

Here’s what Peter had asked Jesus in v. 21:

²¹ Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”

The rabbis said you should forgive three times. So, by saying 7, Peter is being extremely generous. But, Jesus doesn’t even accept the principle, v. 22:

²² Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

More than you can count — that’s the point. He pushes Peter beyond accounting.

So Jesus tells a story. Not to show a bigger number — but to expose the whole system, v. 23:

²³ “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.

If you want things to be fair, if you want things to be balanced, if you want to keep an account of things, then this is what that will look like.

Vv. 24-26:

²⁴ When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. ²⁵ And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. ²⁶ So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’

You and I are judgemental people — always keeping emotional accounts.

And before God’s Law that exposes a deeper divine debt we owe. So, if we live by the Law of accounts, then the day that God calls to settle those accounts will be terrifying and awful. As Hebrews 10:31 says:

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

Or John’s Revelation, 20:13:

Death and Hades gave up the dead who were in them, and they were judged, each one of them, according to what they had done.

On that day, we will be judged by what we have done. And I daren’t face that, I can’t face that… because I’m an evil man who does evil things.

But, we don’t have to, v. 27:

²⁷ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt.

This is the Gospel: the king just cancels your account. No payments. No probation period. No terms and emotional conditions.

So, this servant has a way out, a path to avoid the accounting. The problem is, he refuses to receive it — vv. 28-30:

²⁸ But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ ²⁹ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ ³⁰ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.

The king gave a legal decree: You do not need to live under these accounts. You are free. You are justified. Here — have my riches, my righteousness.

But, this servant refused to accept it. He wanted to live with the accounting still in place. And so, see what happens, vv. 31-34:

³¹ When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. ³² Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. ³³ And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ ³⁴ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.

If you live by accounts, you’ll die by accounts

When those books are opened on judgement day… …which books do you want to be judged by? The books of works? Or the book of life — Jesus — so that His works stand in place of yours?

And don’t mis-understand that word in v. 34:

…in anger his master delivered him to the jailers…

This isn’t the word for “rage”, it’s the word for “judicial wrath“: the settled judicial, legal decision of justice.

The king doesn’t fly into a rage.

He simply gives the servant what the servant wants: If you want to live by Law and accounting and justice… …then you’ll die by Law and accounting and justice.

And so Jesus warns in v. 35:

³⁵ So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.

By “from your heart” Jesus doesn’t mean “make an emotional decision”: He means “do it consistently with your whole being.”

Back in chapter 15:18-19, Jesus had said this:

¹⁸ But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. ¹⁹ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.

By “heart” Jesus means from the place where all your decisions come. Now Peter had asked how many times must I forgive. He’d put a number on forgiveness.

And Jesus has challenged him in this way: “Where do your decisions even come from?”

Forget  “How much should I forgive?”
Ask:       “On what basis do I forgive?”: Stop keeping score.

By nature, you and I do forgiveness accounting every day: We measure how sorry someone is by how sincere they are. “Do they really mean it?” You want to feel that they’re really sorry. Because if they don’t feel sorry: why should you forgive them? It feels like they don’t deserve it.

But, nobody deserves to be forgiven. The servant didn’t — but the king forgave him anyway.

We make people try to earn forgiveness from us by paying their debt to us emotionally. For the king: forgiveness was a legal decision, a declaration, a word, that He would not hold the servant to account.

But, we turn forgiveness into an emotional feeling, where we still have the right to expect something from the people who are in our debt.

Will you keep a record of accounts? However generous those accounts may seem to be to you.

Or will you simply let go of your rights, and not expect payment from those who owe you?

Because, Jesus warns: If you live by accounts, you’ll die by accounts

But, you don’t need to live by accounts, because:

2) Jesus has cancelled your accounts

We are all the same here: Every time we were supposed to forgive others, we screwed up.

All those times you were supposed to forgive someone, and you failed to let it go… …the frustrations you’ve held on to …the times you weren’t kind in what you said …the way you kept again and again bringing up those past mistakes with your spouse …the way you kept twisted and turned people’s motives.

All of that is cancelled. In Christ, it will never be raised again.

Yep! We all make mistakes in this area: Just look at Jesus. God’s forgiven you already.

Not because you deserve forgiveness, but purely because of God’s pity and love for you, v. 27:

out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt

Yes, on the last day there will be an accounting of everyone’s deeds from the books of works. Don’t rely on yourself, on your works, on your goodness, on your own righteousness.

Because you don’t have to, because on that day there will be another book opened… …the Book of Life: That book is Jesus, and all who trust in Him will be judged on His works, not theirs.

Those written in the Book of Life are free from all the accounting. Free from keeping score. Free from keeping count.

Just imagine that freedom for a moment: You don’t need to pay anyone back, or expect anything back. You don’t need to even the odds. You don’t need to maintain the balance.

You can just let it all go, because God has let you go.

Every 50 years in Israel was the year of Jubilee: debts cancelled, slaves freed, land restored, ledgers wiped. In Christ, every year you live is your Jubilee year.

Imagine God speaking to you through the Prophet Isaiah 1:18:

Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.

He’s cast all your shames behind His back, to the bottom of the sea, as far as the East is from the West.

This is God’s gift to you: Not to have to live by keeping accounts, by scoring on a spreadsheet, by what’s recorded in the books. But to be free, and to enjoy it.

So, Should I forgive when they’re not really sorry?

Well: 1) If you live by accounts, you’ll die by accounts

You have a right to demand payment for wrongs done to you. Financial payment, compensation payment, emotional payment.

Fine: you can live your life by accounting if you want. But, the ledger goes both ways. If I demand payment — I’ll also have to give payment. And I owe a heavy, hellish payment — even to God Himself.

No, there is a far better way, because:

2) Jesus has cancelled your accounts

In Jesus, God’s chosen not to keep score. He’s set you free. He’s let you go. Not because you deserve it. And not because He expects anything back. God doesn’t keep your score anymore… …so you can just let your scores go.

So go out this week and live as forgiven people, as Paul urges the Ephesians (4:32):

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.