I talk to a lot of people about relationships. Marriages, parents and children, boyfriends and girlfriends, in workplaces, families and friendship groups. So many people are struggling with relationships here in Manchester and elsewhere.

One massive reason is this: So often people don’t want the relationship to get better—they want to get even.

The Bible gives stark warnings about this. Hebrews 12:15 may be the most striking:

See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; (Hebrews 12:15)

God is in a good mood with you. Not because of you, purely because of Jesus. Nothing can prevent you receiving that—except yourself. God’s attitude and forgiveness toward you are positive and fixed. But bitterness is a refusal of forgiveness, and an insistence that you be dealt with consistently on a quid pro quo basis.

Bitterness is your own internal fury over having been wronged that insists you must get what you’re owed. It’s not that this is a particularly awful sin that God won’t forgive or anything like that. God’s in a good mood no matter what. It’s that your bitterness, rage, fury, anger, wrath is by definition a refusal to operate on any other basis than “everyone should get what we deserve—including me.” That’s literally the definition of rejecting forgiveness.

The logic of repayment is that people should get what they deserve. But that is not good news for us. Jesus tells us that if God dealt with us according to what we deserved, we would perish, because we are bad people who do bad things. Our only hope is that God somehow drops the case against us. In fact, he has. In fact, he’s done more than that.

The Gospel is this: on the cross Jesus actually took the legal consequences of punishment you deserve. And he’s given you the legal rewards he deserves. You are already forgiven. You are righteous.

God’s forgiveness is not conditional on anything. He’s already forgiven you. But if you absolutely insist on getting what you deserve: he’ll honour that decision.

That’s why your own root of bitterness is the thing that causes you to fail to obtain the grace of God. This has nothing to do with God’s lack of willingness to forgive—and everything to do with yours.

The apostle Paul describes what this means for relationships right now:

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:30-32)

“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit” is one of those statements that gets horribly misunderstood and misquoted. Not because people are wrong to think it’s true. But because people don’t understand why it’s true.

“Grieving” the Holy Spirit is not behaving in a way that puts God in a bad mood with you. Paul doesn’t say “do not anger the Holy Spirit,” he says “do not grieve the Holy Spirit.”

Because what he’s about to describe is not a change of God’s attitude to you, but a change of your attitude to him and others. It is when people stop holding onto forgiveness and grace—the Gospel—and instead take up revenge and the need to get even—the Law.

The Holy Spirit is grieved by this, because if you insist on living by the Law, then you’ll be judged by the Law. And, just like Jesus, he doesn’t want that to happen.

Paul says put away all:

“bitterness”—which is holding onto the pain of being a victim whose wrongs against you need to be righted;
“wrath”—better translated here “fury”— an inner burning feeling that someone is wrong;
“anger”—better translated here “wrath”— the need to see someone punished;
“clamour”—shouting about and publishing the offences committed against you;
“slander”—using your words to “get even” by taking someone down; and
“malice”—causing bad things to happen to others.

Of course, nobody who commits malice thinks they’re doing a bad thing. That’s the point. It is the result of Law thinking. “They deserve this.”

Paul is describing here someone who takes on the role of judge, jury and executioner in their relationships with others. It is not that this angers the Spirit of God, and puts him in a bad mood with you. It grieves the Spirit of God, because he knows that if you insist on living in a way that weighs and punishes people for their deeds it will work out terribly for you. The Spirit does not want you to experience this.

I talk to a lot of people about relationships. And I’ve learned that my advice is not what people most need. What they need most is what God says about them: you are already forgiven. The more that sinks in, the more it changes how you treat other people.

Human beings are evil, because we all have this natural instinct that the solution to our problems is to get even. We can all see that’s not happening in our lives, and so we try to sort it out ourselves.

That doesn’t work. But there is another way. A real solution. Not just for now, but for all time. And it’s a solution that’s already been achieved. It’s what Paul says at the end, in v. 32:

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

He doesn’t say “…so that God in Christ will forgive you.” he says “…forgave you.” Past tense. Done. Dusted. Not to be relitigated. Finished.

Because whoever you are, reading this. Whatever mood you are in right now. Whatever is on your mind: God is in a good mood with you. And you see that when you look at Jesus.

You are forgiven. Period. This isn’t conditional. And it isn’t hypothetical. It’s real, actual, legal even. You are justified. On the cross of Jesus he fully paid the legal penalty for all your deeds, and God declared you completely right and just.

He doesn’t want anything from you to get this from him. He doesn’t need anything. He simply wants to give it to you, so that you know you’re forgiven and so you are set free from the constant need to prove you’re right and get even on others who are wrong.

Because that need kills your relationships. And—if you take it to the grave—it will kill you.

Jesus doesn’t want to read your book of deeds on the last day. And he doesn’t have to.

God gives you this forgiveness, and the assurance to receive it, through his Word and Sacraments. And he’s placed these in the church.

So, join us. Receive this forgiveness and the assurance that it’s true in person in Manchester every Sunday, or online from anywhere every Wednesday. And learn about the freedom that forgiveness brings in all of your relationships.